A month ago, Off the Page, a ministry for questioning or post-Christian millennials, invited me to write for their blog. I'm hoping it develops into a more regular thing. Here's my first post, on risking agnosticism:
"For most of my life, I begged God to take away my doubts about Christianity. The more I begged, the more I experienced silence, abandonment, and finally, nothingness. I felt the nonexistence of God.
I self-diagnosed myself with agnosticism after that encounter with nonexistence.
By “agnostic” I mean I had no idea what was or was not true about God, if he did exist. I quit seeking a relationship with God. I went to church only to save face and to save myself in case God happened to be real and ready to throw me in hell for abandoning him.
Unlike many Christian kids, I wasn’t agnostic because of hypocritical Christians, or because I experienced the problem of evil firsthand, or because I was angry with God. I just didn’t think Christianity made sense. I went to a conservative college, majored in Christian studies, sat under brilliant, devout minds (living and dead), and concluded that Christianity didn’t make sense. It didn’t make sense within itself, within Scripture, or within reality. Agnosticism wasn’t a choice. It was a fact, a logical conclusion, an inevitability that I was left to sort out.
But I didn’t want to choose agnosticism. I wanted to choose Christianity. Why wouldn’t I? I was a Christian. But I couldn’t choose Christianity in good conscience. The Christianity I knew taught me not to trust the desires of my heart but instead to accept the truth. But what if the truth wasn’t Christianity?" Read the rest here.p.s. I graduated college, got married, and am currently residing in the middle of nowhere while my husband works as a research assistant. Stay tuned on blog updates! :)