Quick Note on Content

9:00 AM

Yet another library book I haven't finished . . .
Did you notice the shift in post content? It went from spiritual things to thoughts on life to lifestyle posts on working out, cleaning bathrooms, and cooking, of all things. And it kind of got stuck there between thoughts on life and lifestyle posts. You noticed?
I've noticed. I've watched myself post fewer and fewer of my deepest thoughts. I'm trying to figure out why.

1. It's easier to write about dating and share the story of my life.

2. I'm honestly super excited about this new stage in my life and all the fun little challenges it brings -- de-clogging drains included.

3. My spiritual life is hanging on by a thread.

Let me elaborate on that last one. I got over my crippling fear that God didn't exist and that I couldn't know truth. It felt like a detox. The poison of doubt got cleansed from my system, leaving behind a quiet, empty heart that stares at God and asks, "Now what?"

I bump into God occasionally. We're acquaintances again, but not lovers. I'm trying to bump into Him more -- listening to Audrey Assad and Sovereign Grace at work, reading fewer lifestyle blogs, opening up to my mentors about what's truly going on, serving at my church.

I don't like being honest about my uneventful spiritual life that would disappoint anybody who still looks up to me. I don't like admitting that sometimes I feel quite content working my sweet job, binge-watching Once Upon a Time with my housemate, and planning out big things for my life without once thinking of God. Now you know.

I'm in love with life and the many good things God created and gave me. I'm a little bewildered at how to enjoy these good things and still enjoy God supremely. It's easier to love the things I see and touch, so I tend to err on that side of worldliness.

I'm also frustrated with how to move forward. I feel backed into a corner with my spiritual life, afraid to explore the questions I still have, afraid to pursue God in the ways I think He's calling me, afraid to disappoint people as I change and grow -- my family, my friends back home, even you, dear readers. My circle of once-admirers and closest friends aren't quite sure what to make of my new wardrobe, attitude, mores, and opinions. To be honest, I'm not quite sure what to make of myself either.

Anyways, I'm nervous to write on the million things I'm thinking about. Until I work up the courage, you'll get more lifestyle posts. Enjoy. :)

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11 impressions

  1. If you don't do this already, I highly recommend setting aside at least a little time every day to pray. And I mean really deliberately pray, following the prayer Jesus taught us. When I started praying more recently, my love for God quickly expanded. When I let it slip again, it became once more easy to forget Him. God is so amazing and so good that spending even a little time reflecting on that is enough to change your life. Like with earthly friendship, the best way to stay close is to be deliberate about spending time together.
    Thanks for the reminder that I need to pray more again. :P
    <><

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    1. Thank YOU for the reminder, Aemi. I forget how richly God blesses the least of His children when they attempt to spend time with Him. Now I just need to follow through and find time to DO it. :)

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  2. Bailey, I'm reading "Prayer" by Tim Keller right now! Got it from the library. It's so rich. I'm realizing the richness and meaning and privilege of prayer, and how greatly I need to focus and refine my own prayer life!

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    1. I don't think I ever finished the last couple chapters of that, but I need to! I echo everything you said about it. I'm glad you got a chance to read it too!

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  3. One more for you to listen to: Brook Hills Worship Album: Death to Life. Very rich theologically, and beautiful music. Don't give up, and don't be afraid. God is big enough to handle your questions and changes. Those who truly matter will learn how to as well. As long as your motives are pure, change is not bad, just scary. Keep moving forward. It's exciting!!

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    1. Thank you! I'm always on the lookout for theologically solid, beautiful music. Looking them up right now. And thank you for your encouragement to keep moving forward. It's definitely scary, so it's good to be reminded that it's exciting too!

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  4. Hey girl! I just want to encourage you to NOT be afraid to explore those questions. I used to struggle with fears in the same way, like "What if I start looking for answers to my doubtful questions and come up with evidence CONTRARY to my faith and beliefs?" but never ONCE has that happened. When I ask and look and seek answers to those hard questions, God wows me again and again with his simple yet miraculous answers to my mere human thoughts. Explore them! Lately I'm obsessed with apologetics, because I find answers to questions I didn't even know I had! #LeeStrobel lol. Rock on, chickadee.

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    1. This is exactly what I need to hear. THANK YOU. I'm not exploring outside of Christianity but rather within Christianity, looking at different traditions and beliefs. But the same God is sovereign over all spiritual seeking --- He'll definitely come through for me in my search for truth and a church to call "home."

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  5. and I am still the reader who never comments...but I just want to say...this was me. Med school ate my life and y'know...I had reached the point where I was very comfortable with a skimmed chapter and a quick prayer at some point during the day. Not the kind of interaction that makes a relationship, but /I was busy/ and when I had time off I wanted to do other things. I'd gotten past the point of wondering and I was sure of Him and His saving of me...but...

    I am very thankful God got my attention this summer...but it was hideously painful and so totally unnecessary. (Two years He let me drift along ignoring His reminders before gently helping me see how badly I need to abide in Him.) So I just want to encourage you that whatever you feel Him calling you to...don't wait. Waiting does not lead to good things.

    And don't be afraid. Fear is crippling and a liar - don't listen to it. Whatever questions you have, whatever things you need to learn and grow in...at this point in the world's history you are /not/ the first person to struggle or wonder it. Someone else has already asked and been answered - hiding from your questions is not holy or a way to increase your faith. :)

    it makes me laugh how many parallels our lives have (from once being the daughter pushing SAHDaughtering to this) and I hope the best for you. :)

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  6. I'm sure this will come as no surprise to you, but I think your head is right where it is supposed to be right now. And this is a *good* thing. The fact that your spiritual life is "uneventful" or that spiritual questions occupy a slightly smaller portion of your conscious thought is not a disaster and, in my opinion, not even a sign that your spiritual life is hanging on by a thread. It just means your spirituality is once again changing as you grow and change.

    Do you remember that post where you talked about being married and how young unmarried women were encouraged to devote themselves to the church but it was understood that married women were going to be more focused on their husbands and day-to-day life? And how this was neither wrong nor bad, but expected? I know you are not married yet, and I am not making up excuses for you. I'm just using this as an example that there are times in our lives when it is good and right to focus your energy and your passion on worldly things for a while.

    I continue to love reading your blog, whatever topics you choose. As previous commenters have said, don't be afraid to ask hard questions, but let me add, don't be afraid of where the answers lead you either, even if that is a place you never expected to be, and even if where you end up comes as a shock or disappointment to your readers or friends. You need to be true to yourself.

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  7. You know, if you're interested in exploring different Christian traditions and having a dry spell, I HIGHLY recommend rote and liturgical prayers. They can be as quick or as time consuming as needed. If you have a kindle, I would load it up with an Orthodox prayer book. There are several versions for under $5 available on Amazon. I would start with just the morning prayers.

    This: http://www.orthodoxprayer.org/Articles_files/Prayer%20Rule.pdf is a great resource, although it looks quite daunting. I would start with simply the Trisagion, and maybe the Morning Prayer of Metropolitan Philaret or the Creed.

    Trust me, I had been turned away from "vain repetitions" (in the sense of repetitive prayers) all my life, but turning to them in times of spiritual drought (or maybe more aptly, spiritual apathy) has been a life line. You could also cobble together your own sort of prayer rule by googling different Catholic and Orthodox prayers and picking two or three that you feel connect you closer to God. I find, for me, the Chaplet of Divine Mercy and the Litany of Humility alongside St. Patrick's Breastplate are three amazing prayers!

    I would recommend focusing on Orthodox prayers before Catholic prayers because Catholic prayers are...well, VERY Catholic whereas I find Orthodox prayers to feel more Christocentric.

    Hope this is somewhat helpful :)

    And remember: “Let your prayer be simplicity. For both the publican and the prodigal son were reconciled to God by a single phrase,” (Saint John of the Ladder).

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Hit me with your best thought! I'm very interested in your unique perspective. If you'd like to discuss things in private, feel free to email me! :)