Things I Do Involuntarily

11:41 AM

My boyfriend's biggest concern is that a random guy in an alley will attack me and kill me because I failed to learn self-defense. I try to tell him that I am puny and pathetic and that no amount of self-defense skills will save me, so why bother going through the trouble of practicing punches? He gets nervous at my plan of curling up and dying when confronted with scary alley men. Out of this nervousness, he forces me into impromptu self-defense practices. (I still think he just wants someone upon whom he can use his taekwondo moves.)

Look at how pink and little and girly I am. No way can I throw punches.

In the past year or so, he has taught me how to get out of choke holds and hand locks and such. Multiple times. I just never master them because my reflexes want to do something entirely different and self-defeating.

Choke holds are the worst. As soon as his hands barely touch my throat, I've already clawing at them.

"Bailey," my patient and exasperated boyfriend tells me, "you will die if you do that."

"I DON'T WANT ANYBODY TOUCHING MY NECK."

"Then use your hands to punch the air out of me."

"I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU."

"The alley guy wants to hurt you."

"YOU'RE NOT THE ALLEY GUY. I LOVE YOU. YOU WOULDN'T HURT ME."

"Bailey, just do the move already!"

"I CAN'T."

No matter how much my brain tells me that the agony of someone else brushing against my throat will end as soon as I zap him in the diaphragm, I just claw and push and do other self-destructive things. Usually I end up kneeing him in the stomach. He blocks it, of course, because he's in taekwondo.

Again, I'm literally going to die if anybody wants me dead. The End.

Here are other things I do involuntarily even though my brain tells me to not do them:

  • Curl up and shriek if someone pokes me in the stomach while I'm lying on the floor moaning about life.
  • Laugh hysterically at inappropriate times.
  • Fall asleep during class if I'm really tired. 
  • Loudly fangirl over my favorite professors when they walk by. Oh, wait...they just saw me.
  • Say "That's cool" in response to everything.
  • Change my voice into one of many different crazy dialects my insanity invented all by itself.
  • Scream "puppy!" or "baby!" upon seeing said creatures.
  • Respond "No, you're totally depraved" when someone says, "You're good." (I'm kidding, guys. I'm kidding.)

Also, did you know that you have mites living in your eyelash follicles? You're welcome.

Happy Monday! What are things YOU do involuntarily?

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11 impressions

  1. This made me laugh. I love that conversation between you and your boyfriend. :)
    For the record, I would probably just die if someone wanted to kill me too.

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    1. I am sorry you are as incapable as I am at avoiding death from imaginary alley men....but I'm glad I'm not the only one! :D

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  2. This reminds me of the time our ballet teacher decided to give us an impromptu lesson in Krav Maga in the middle of class. It's good to know if you're ever caught in a situation where you need to defend yourself, but I tend to think I'd be exhausting myself by kneeing and clawing instead of performing one or two simple steps. XP

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    1. A bunch of ballerinas doing krav maga...oh, my goodness. As much as I'd like to think my epic arm flailing will accomplish something terrible, I'm with you -- better stick with a good self-defense move. :)

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  3. This is the cutest thing. I hope you never come across an alley man! Maybe your boyfriend can gift you pepper spray for Christmas? :D

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    1. Pepper spray! I need to tell him this the next time he wants to give me a self-defense lesson! :D

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  4. Yes! Fangirling! I can't help but smile when my philosophy prof walks by ;)

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    1. I heart my philosophy prof too!! I wish I could show my admiration in a more coherent and intellectual way besides shrieking in excitement....but there it is. What can I do? When a girl's gotta fangirl, she's gotta fangirl.

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    2. And I heart my philosophy professor too!! He's a brilliant author and scholar and I would love to be able to sit down and talk with him in a coherent fashion ... unfortunately, all I seem to be able to do is grin stupidly when he walks by. *Sigh*.

      Oh, and regarding the involuntary actions, I thought of you today because I noticed myself wrapping my cardigan around me every time I passed an attractive man on the sidewalk. After doing that four or five times I started noticing it and thought "oh, there's one of Bailey's involuntary things"! Pretty sure that's a sign of insecurity ... I shall hereby psychoanalyze myself and figure that out. ;-)

      Hope you're having a great day and safe from all the alley thugs!!!
      ~ Vicki

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    3. THAT. IS. AWESOME. I laughed so hard and had to share that with my roommate!! :D

      I am queen of stupid grins directed towards people I admire. It's embarrassing. Also, my philosophy professor talks more than I do, so I literally ask a couple questions and then listen to his witty genius for an hour and a half. Actually, several of my professors will just talk for hours. That's my secret to making professor friends: find the super extroverted ones and then listen.

      I have successfully avoided alley thugs today! And good luck...avoiding...attractive men?? :P

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    4. Ha ha! Yes, I was holed up in my cubicle almost the whole day today, so for the most part I did avoid attractive men! :-D And I wonder why I'm still single ...

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