Things I Do Involuntarily11:41 AM
My boyfriend's biggest concern is that a random guy in an alley will attack me and kill me because I failed to learn self-defense. I try to tell him that I am puny and pathetic and that no amount of self-defense skills will save me, so why bother going through the trouble of practicing punches? He gets nervous at my plan of curling up and dying when confronted with scary alley men. Out of this nervousness, he forces me into impromptu self-defense practices. (I still think he just wants someone upon whom he can use his taekwondo moves.)
|Look at how pink and little and girly I am. No way can I throw punches.|
In the past year or so, he has taught me how to get out of choke holds and hand locks and such. Multiple times. I just never master them because my reflexes want to do something entirely different and self-defeating.
Choke holds are the worst. As soon as his hands barely touch my throat, I've already clawing at them.
"Bailey," my patient and exasperated boyfriend tells me, "you will die if you do that."
"I DON'T WANT ANYBODY TOUCHING MY NECK."
"Then use your hands to punch the air out of me."
"I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU."
"The alley guy wants to hurt you."
"YOU'RE NOT THE ALLEY GUY. I LOVE YOU. YOU WOULDN'T HURT ME."
"Bailey, just do the move already!"
No matter how much my brain tells me that the agony of someone else brushing against my throat will end as soon as I zap him in the diaphragm, I just claw and push and do other self-destructive things. Usually I end up kneeing him in the stomach. He blocks it, of course, because he's in taekwondo.
Again, I'm literally going to die if anybody wants me dead. The End.
Here are other things I do involuntarily even though my brain tells me to not do them:
- Curl up and shriek if someone pokes me in the stomach while I'm lying on the floor moaning about life.
- Laugh hysterically at inappropriate times.
- Fall asleep during class if I'm really tired.
- Loudly fangirl over my favorite professors when they walk by. Oh, wait...they just saw me.
- Say "That's cool" in response to everything.
- Change my voice into one of many different crazy dialects my insanity invented all by itself.
- Scream "puppy!" or "baby!" upon seeing said creatures.
- Respond "No, you're totally depraved" when someone says, "You're good." (I'm kidding, guys. I'm kidding.)