I think knowing who you are means stripping away all the things with which you define yourself. There's a lot of pieces to me that make up who I am but aren't actually who I am at the core. I take them off, brick by brick, like taking apart Lego creations.
Popular girl -- take away the group that puts you at the center.
Pretty girl -- but what happens when I get older?
Smart girl -- until someone else trots along who's smarter.
Good girl -- except that I'm not, really.
Helpful girl -- yet sometimes I'm not needed as much as I would like to be.
Writer girl -- minus the fact that sometimes I don't write.
As I take apart everything that I think makes me me, I get scared that I'm. . .nobody. That I'm made of nothing in the end. That I'm like an atom: made mostly of space with disconnected electrons and neutrons and protons dancing around the nothingness.
Still, I need to know. I need to know if I'm nothing, and if I'm something, I need to know what that something is.
What makes a person a person? Her personality? Her face? Her health? Her faith? Her beliefs? Her dreams? Her quirks, her affection of dill pickles, her straight A's? What she thinks of herself? What others think of her?
And then I start thinking, Where does Christ fit in? Because it's no longer I who lives but Christ who lives in me, right? Is He the core? Or is He another Lego brick? And what happens if Christ doesn't live in a person? What then is the core to that sort of person?
I don't have an answer, except that so far, as I take apart all the Lego bricks, I'm not finding anything beneath. Could it be that a person's a person only when she's all together, when she possesses all her paradoxes of good/bad, smart/dumb, special/ordinary? Is it not even wise to try to tear myself apart and categorize the Lego bricks? Maybe the people I rub into and the places I live in and the communities I inhabit and the beliefs I hold and the pains I've experienced and the loves I've shared -- maybe that's all a crucial part of me, a part I don't need to try to tear away from in order to "figure out who I am."
Do I even need to know who I am, if I know who He is? For if He truly lives within me and if He's supreme, then perhaps that's all that matters. For in Him I live and breathe and have my being. It's certainly not a truth that makes one a nobody. If I cling to that, I'm definitely something -- and in the end, that's all I need to know.