Goodbye, Lies3:53 PM
Hello, silly feelings that paralyze me into scrolling through Facebook instead of facing you head on. You're really sneaky, sometimes. You've lied to me so often that you know exactly how to package yourselves so that I accept you as pressing truth. You whisper that the love and joy and peace commanded in Scripture are really my own selfish sinful longings and that the true Christian life is always heartache and rules. You convince me that the way I've always lived must be right, not because the Bible says so but because I'm too afraid to change. You tie up my voice and force me to sing lamentations and doom because you've got me focused on the insurmountable and the impossible and the unknown. You tell me that I fail at life because I don't know where I'm going, I don't know what to do, I don't know anything.
You know what, silly feelings? YOU LIE.
Just because I don't "feel" anything positive doesn't mean that I'm wrong. You don't determine my reality. You don't decide what's true and false. You can't force me to do anything. That's the Spirit's job, and the Spirit doesn't call me to a life of despair, bitterness and joylessness. He calls me to love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Those aren't fairytale longings of a corrupt heart. Those aren't wishful thinkings. Those are evidences of a reality that is not only possible but normal for a child of God.
And I do know something. I know that God is bigger than you. I know that I can trust Him to answer me when I pour my heart out. I know that He clarifies and calms. He's done it before. He'll do it again. And because of that, I'm not sitting with you and letting you hold my hand as I wait for Him to answer. We're done, silly feelings. It's over.
I use you as my crutch. You became a part of me. You are my reality. And it's awful to say, but it's true, that I don't know how to live without you. I've never done it. If I abandon you, I abandon part of me -- and that's scary. It means that I'll be different, that I'll have to change, that I won't recognize me or my reality anymore.
I think it's worth it. I think it's worth being lost. I think it's worth taking a chance, a chance to change, a chance to get away from you, a chance to be wrong in my search for being right.
I know I'm crazy. I know I've never done this before. I know I don't have any idea what I'm doing by trying to fundamentally heave up things that I've known and been and done for 19 years. And you can tell me that I'll come running back to you because you're familiar even if you hurt me. You can tell me that I'm too sinful and alone to change. Go ahead and tell me, but I'm not listening to you. I'm listening to the One who says His yoke is easy and His burden light, who tells me to break free from sin -- and yes, your despair and whining and fear is flat out sin. It's a beautiful song. It's beautiful, and I'm running to that.
So goodbye, silly feelings. Next time you see me, I'll be running around with a new crowd -- a crowd that moves to the heartbeat of love and grace and joy at the feet of the Father who delights in me.