Freshman Fifteen

2:00 AM

1. Playing hide-and-seek on a Friday evening in the library. Guess who cannot find anybody for the life of her?


2. Banging head on shelf, shooting friend Gibbs with Nerf darts, and writhing in pain after reading a Russell Kirk excerpt. People, conservatism needs to get with reality or get out of the way.

3. Shopping at Kroger with two boys possessing no concept of savings or bargains or the fact that whistling through a blade of grass annoys everyone in the five mile radius. Then picnicking in the lovely Arboretum afterward with lovely friends while a photographer snaps portraits of a cute little family in black shirts and jeans. Then passing notes on Rice Krispie bar packages. Then decorating the bottoms of boring white plates with highlighters. Then teaching a homeless man named Jon how to make a turkey sandwich. Just kidding. Not really. We only imagined it.

4. Stealing Kaleb's cowboy hat and William's phone, dancing to the Star Wars Cantina song on a picnic table, and downing ice cream and Goldfish around midnight during finals week.

5. Starting a encouragement note chain during a library study session: Gibbs writes a note on an index card for me, I write one for Claire, Claire writes one for Erich, Erich writes one for Sarah, and eventually we're so encouraged and distracted that no homework gets done that afternoon.

6. Looking up massage techniques to open clogged sinuses on my bed with Claire. Allegedly, rubbing your nose in a circular motion opens your airway. (Just like holding your breath stops hiccups -- not.)

7. Watching the little girls in the nursery dance in the rainbows on the floor every single sunny Sunday. 

8. Running through puddles and downpours and mud at 2 AM. 

9. Getting as many people as possible to look at nothing in the corner of the choir room when rehearsal runs long.

10. Listening to my chemistry professor mouth along to Kermit the Frog's "Rainbow Connection" while creating an acid/base indicator rainbow.

11. Learning that when a guy says "what's up" and "how's it going," he is not asking a question but merely acknowledging your existence and must be responded to with a hip head tilt upward.

12. Hiding fifteen girls behind a green chair during a dorm-wide game of Sardines. Still hiding there thirty minutes later. Marching out victoriously singing "We Are the Champions" when everybody else fails to find us.

13. Shooting hoops with crumpled tin foil and cafeteria cups while conducting a post-lunch discussion on immaturity.

14. Reading through "The Grandiloquent Dictionary" and discovering that barefoot people actually have a name ("nelipot") and that "lopadotemachoselachogaleokranioleipsanodrimhypotrimmatosilphioparaomelitokatakechymenokichlepikossyphophattoperisteralektryonoptekephalliokigklopeleiolagoiosiraiobaphetraganopterygon" is "a goulash composed of all the leftovers from the meals of the leftovers from the meals of the last two weeks" -- which perfectly sums up the goulash served at dinner the other day.

15. Laboring through Macbeth to find that my two friends hijacked my book with encouraging sticky notes. 

In a word? Blessed. Blessed semester, blessed year, blessed life. Bring on the next challenge.

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