I Don't Feel You3:04 AM
You love me in the past -- Son came down and took all my sins, bought me new life, adopted me into your family. You love me in the future -- this ol' body will be glorified, no more tears, paved gold and seeing you face-to-face.
How do you love me now? Where are you when I'm too numb to cry? Where are you when life runs in an endless circle of mistakes? Where are you when everything depends on you and you seem miles away? Where, Father?
I pretend it doesn't hurt when I ask for help and get no answer. When you open a door I must avoid or close a door I must kick through, I try not to cry unfairness. I reread Psalms from aching souls past and direct promises made to people just as frail. I look at my shoes when excited children of God receive a rhema, a word from God, and the problem unravels into a thread they can follow directly from trouble to glory.
We don't communicate like that.
You know what I want more than anything else? I wish this life didn't stand between you and me and that you'd swoop in whenever this world breaks. I wish there wasn't eternity between us. I wish I didn't have to wait until death to look into your eyes and be healed. I wish you could put arms around me. I wish I could feel the beautiful whisper against my ear.
I want you to tell me that you love me.
You hardwired me for you. Nothing else satisfies. My heart fits perfectly in yours. Why is it so hard to find you? Why do you wait so long to pull me out of the battle? Why does surrender burn beyond belief? And when I lie wide awake at night, numb, black and blue, shaking from the pain I can't cry...why can't I feel you?
These lesser people in my life -- my best friends but still nothing compared to you -- they can hold me, cry with me, listen to me, ask me questions, speak to me. Their hands slide into mine. Their notes slip under my door.
You say you love me, and you don't do anything like that. You can't.
Now you see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now you know in part; then you will know fully, as I fully know you. And let me tell a secret...every touch, every word, every look that ever filled your heart...that was me. These people are my hands and feet, from the random senior who asks how your day goes to the best friend who physically holds you together. Where else did you think they came from?
My heart echoed every prayer prayed for you. I whispered the words that made you laugh through your tears. I sent the friend who listened to you question my love. I know every place in your very being that cries out for me, and I have the resources of eternity past, present and future to answer that cry.
Even when you don't feel at all, reach out. I am there. I am present. I am for you as much this moment as I was at Golgotha, as I will be at the second coming, at our face to face meeting, when you realize that on this earth, whenever you feel Love, that's when you feel me.
NOTE: I DON'T NORMALLY WRITE IN FIRST PERSON WHEN DESCRIBING GOD'S WORK FOR US. WHILE I AM NO PROPHET, I AM QUITE CERTAIN THAT THIS IS TRUE AND COULD CAPTURE IT IN NO OTHER WAY.