I Don't Feel You

3:04 AM

Abba Father,

You love me in the past -- Son came down and took all my sins, bought me new life, adopted me into your family. You love me in the future -- this ol' body will be glorified, no more tears, paved gold and seeing you face-to-face.

How do you love me now? Where are you when I'm too numb to cry? Where are you when life runs in an endless circle of mistakes? Where are you when everything depends on you and you seem miles away? Where, Father?

I pretend it doesn't hurt when I ask for help and get no answer. When you open a door I must avoid or close a door I must kick through, I try not to cry unfairness. I reread Psalms from aching souls past and direct promises made to people just as frail. I look at my shoes when excited children of God receive a rhema, a word from God, and the problem unravels into a thread they can follow directly from trouble to glory.

We don't communicate like that.

You know what I want more than anything else? I wish this life didn't stand between you and me and that you'd swoop in whenever this world breaks. I wish there wasn't eternity between us. I wish I didn't have to wait until death to look into your eyes and be healed. I wish you could put arms around me. I wish I could feel the beautiful whisper against my ear.

I want you to tell me that you love me.

You hardwired me for you. Nothing else satisfies. My heart fits perfectly in yours. Why is it so hard to find you? Why do you wait so long to pull me out of the battle? Why does surrender burn beyond belief? And when I lie wide awake at night, numb, black and blue, shaking from the pain I can't cry...why can't I feel you?

These lesser people in my life -- my best friends but still nothing compared to you -- they can hold me, cry with me, listen to me, ask me questions, speak to me. Their hands slide into mine. Their notes slip under my door.

You say you love me, and you don't do anything like that. You can't.

Bailey,

Now you see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now you know in part; then you will know fully, as I fully know you. And let me tell a secret...every touch, every word, every look that ever filled your heart...that was me. These people are my hands and feet, from the random senior who asks how your day goes to the best friend who physically holds you together. Where else did you think they came from?

My heart echoed every prayer prayed for you. I whispered the words that made you laugh through your tears. I sent the friend who listened to you question my love. I know every place in your very being that cries out for me, and I have the resources of eternity past, present and future to answer that cry.

Even when you don't feel at all, reach out. I am there. I am present. I am for you as much this moment as I was at Golgotha, as I will be at the second coming, at our face to face meeting, when you realize that on this earth, whenever you feel Love, that's when you feel me.

NOTE: I DON'T NORMALLY WRITE IN FIRST PERSON WHEN DESCRIBING GOD'S WORK FOR US. WHILE I AM NO PROPHET, I AM QUITE CERTAIN THAT THIS IS TRUE AND COULD CAPTURE IT IN NO OTHER WAY.

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8 impressions

  1. Wow... just wow. This was beautiful in a sorrowful (yet hopeful) way, and I sit here with tears in my eyes (that may be due to me already having a hard day). Thank you for posting this.

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  2. wow! i love your way with words. i need to remember this so often. God has a plan, and i know that when i'm not feeling God, it's not God who is far away, but it's actually myself pulling away. thank you for putting it into words. erika

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  3. This is oh-so-beautiful. Praise God for what you've shared.

    With love,
    Anne Marie

    adefinedpurpose.blogspot.com

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  4. This is so beautiful! This is the first time I have been to your blog, but I'm glad I found it! Keep worshiping Him, and keep sharing your thoughts with us!

    ~Dakota,
    Pianolessongirl.net

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  5. Bailey :)

    This is beautiful. I love how, whenever I look at you, I see Christianity in it's purest form. You inspire me :D. Are you super sure that what you have here isn't a rhema? Because, it sure sounds like one :). The only thing is, it's always trouble and glory at the same time ;).

    They sing this song by Jon Foreman in the prayer room and it toally makes me think of you. Love you!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=301S7NgAkLs

    "...Christ Jesus who died- more than that, who was raised to life- is at the right hand of the Father and is also interceding for us [right now!]."
    ~Romans 8:34

    God, open Bailey's eyes so she can see your Son constantly interceding for her in the midst of every little anxiety. Thank you for the encouragement you've given her and that you're drawing her heart deeper into yours. Thank you that you are for her. We love you, Jesus.

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  6. At a similar time I was struck by Isaiah 25:9: "And it will be said in that day: 'Behold, this is our God; We have waited for Him, and He will save us. This is the Lord; We have waited for Him; We will be glad and rejoice in His salvation.'"

    What really got me was the word 'waited,' repeated twice. You don't get to the 'Behold' without the waiting.

    "It will be said in that day." That day, maybe not this day. And maybe then it will be a shout of relief as much as anything else. "Behold! THIS is our God!"

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  7. What you said here really struck me:

    "These lesser people in my life -- my best friends but still nothing compared to you -- they can hold me, cry with me, listen to me, ask me questions, speak to me. Their hands slide into mine. Their notes slip under my door.

    "You say you love me, and you don't do anything like that. You can't."

    Consider, there may be something even better than the answer that you imagine God gives:
    "These people are my hands and feet, from the random senior who asks how your day goes to the best friend who physically holds you together. Where else did you think they came from?"

    I encourage you to meditate on these verses:

    Luk 11:13 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?

    1Jn 3:24 ...And hereby we know that he abideth in us, by the Spirit which he hath given us.

    Rom 8:16 The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God.

    Eph 1:13-14 In [Christ] ye also trusted, after that ye heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation: in whom also after that ye believed, ye were sealed with that holy Spirit of promise, which is the earnest of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession, unto the praise of his glory. (Note that Paul is saying that the Holy Spirit is an earnest, or down payment, of meeting God face to face, which is the very thing that you long for.)

    2Co 1:21-22 Now he which stablisheth us with you in Christ, and hath anointed us, is God; Who hath also sealed us, and given the earnest of the Spirit in our hearts.

    Rom 5:5 And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. (The Holy Spirit is the means by Whom God shows us his love.)

    Eph 2:18 For through [Christ] we both [Jews and Gentiles] have access by one Spirit unto the Father.

    Keep seeking the face of the Father. Consider the role of the Holy Spirit in revealing God's love, so that you won't be like those disciples in Ephesus who said, "We have not so much as heard whether there be any Holy Ghost." (Acts 19:1-2)

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