I'm Bullied

4:33 AM

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Even though I'm as homeschooled as the rest of them, I still know this one bully who's set purpose is to make my life miserable. I wake up hearing her sarcastic critique of my morning wardrobe. I go to bed feeling her sting of how nobody, in the end, really cares about me at all. She doesn't come outright and say that I'm ugly, weird, wrong and useless, but a couple slashes of her perfected regime and I'm down cold.

I've tried to throw her out of my life -- because honestly, she doesn't do me any good. But she's grown on me. Her opinion of me has, anyway. It sucks the lifeblood out of me -- His Life-blood, even. Generally I try to ignore her. I dodge her when we bump into each other, smile grimly. I hold my chin up high in defiance so she won't see my tears.

The worst of her taunts hit hardest when I'm hit hard. She knows it, too. She loves to point out how often I cry at her insults. She makes light of the pain. She taunts me to do better -- grow up -- get over it. She doesn't let me think of me as anything but the lowest of the low, lest, in her words, "You become vain."

I can't figure out if she thinks she's my devil in the side or my angel of mercy, getting me ready for the real world where everybody really will hate me.

I tell my mom about her, how much she hates me, how much I hate her. Mama tells me I am loved -- to ignore her. I tell my best friends, my best sisters: they stare at me hollowly, eaten up inside that I've got this fiend riding on my soul. I beg them to take away her barbs and her stabs and her constant drumming about in my heart. I can't write some days without fearing she'll rip it to shreds. I can't live some days. 

It's just she and I. My life in a nutshell.

Who's this bully, this critic, this chilling wet blanket?

I am. And that means I can do something about it.

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10 impressions

  1. Sorry you're being bullied. I know how it feels, and it isn't nice. Remember this verse -

    Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:17-21

  2. You know, someone once said (a.k.a Bethanius flopianthus -- that's my latin name) the same thing. :)

  3. Kendra -- You're so sweet! Fortunately, I'm not being bullied in the sense you're talking about. A re-reading of the post will show what I mean. :o)

    So many of my troubles would cease if I'd just listen to you, Bethany. ;o)

  4. Bailey? You're really starting to scare me. Because ... you keep posting about the EXACT things that I'm struggling with or having trouble with. More eloquently, of course. But the same things! God is working through you, girl!

    What are some of the things that you do to overcome this negative voice in your head? Because I could sure use tips. :-( You're right; it is as exhausting as being physically bullied sometimes.

    One of your recent posts, the one that said "God already knows you're a mess", was really encouraging to me ... I'd love to hear more of your thoughts/gleanings on that topic, too. :-)

    Thank you so much for your awesome posts!!


  5. I want to give you a big cyber hug right now. Do you mind? *HUUUG* I wish it's possibly to pack more care into a blog comment. I so understand. Tell you what -- I'm going to write you a special blog post that will go up on Friday. It won't fix the problem for you -- though I wish it could! -- but hopefully it will give you some weapons to combat lies and a new thought pattern rooted in Jesus. Maybe together we can beat this bully.

    I'll be praying for you, dear friend!


  6. Is she also the bully that keeps you up all night?

    And the other question is, "Are you sure she is you?"

    It seems to me there are several other possibilities that are more likely, actually. I would, admit, that you have dealt with this as far back as you can remember, but that does not mean that this bully is you, or that she is always you. I think you know what I'm talking about. Would you know the difference?

  7. Awww, you're sweet! Sure, I'll take a cyber hug! Hugs of all kinds are always welcome! :-)

    I can't wait to read your post on Friday ... yes, let's beat our inner bullies together! :-)


  8. Tragedy101, that is a very astute observation. I have learned to not label every emotion and thought as originating solely from myself. It was one of the first lies I dealt with. I now recognize true temptation. I also recognize that I'm not helpless when it comes to doing battle against temptation. I've let Satan and my old nature gang up on my joy and steal it right from under my nose, sometimes, but I don't let it define me.

    But I complain so much about what "other people think" -- and then all of a sudden it hit me that I was the only person thinking those things. And since I was the only person expressing and obsessing over said thoughts, I could stop thinking them. I wasn't really a slave to other people's opinions so much as a slave to my own. It's a twisted form of humble pride.

    How pathetic I must seem! It's been a long journey from when I first started blogging...dragging out of depression...coming out from legalism...throwing off fear. But God has been gracious. I haven't whipped my inner bully or the devil or the insensitivity of others but I now place my worth, my joy and my salvation squarely in the hands of God.

    It's good to be free.

  9. You know, you could have been describing me in this post. I am my own worst enemy. Please do put another post up about this tomorrow :) The ending of your last comment has already encouraged me: "I haven't whipped my inner bully or the devil or the insensitivity of others but I now place my worth, my joy and my salvation squarely in the hands of God. It's good to be free."
    Thank you!

  10. Bailey, I really needed to hear this post and the one following it. I have been going through some similar stuff. I'll pray for you :)


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