Unsocialized Homeschoolers' Gazette: How to Be a Cool Girl7:30 AM
EDITOR’S daughter’s NOTE
Attention female unsocialized homeschoolers! Are you tired of wearing your burlap sacks and denim jumpers? Want to be more than wallflowers at the spelling bee or church picnic? Well, we’ve got a Big World secret to transform your innocence. No more will you stick out from the cool girls in youth group or get judged for frumpy grumpiness. All you have to do is give up your personality—for contrived originality.
“Yikes,” I hear you muttering. “No thanks, good-bye.”
Girlfriend, let me tell you something: real girls do this all the time. Look at the sayings plastered all over self-help books and motivational posters. Be yourself. That’s what we do. That’s what you want. And yourself isn’t anything like the yourself you think you want to be. That’s the key to unlocking popularity (which is the goal of being yourself, right?). It’s a big, serious, scary change for girls like you, so we’ll take you through some ground rules slow and easy.
Rules like these.
• Try to be happy. Other people will envy your life.
• Compete. Sports are especially cool. It’s a great way to make new friends, exercise and get noticed.
• Be up to date on pop culture. If you have time, consider watching one or two TV shows: Gossip Girl, The Secret Life of the American Teenager, Jersey Shore.
• Wear cool clothes. Big earrings. Hoodies (however, ruffled sweaters are acceptable). Big belts—they’re definitely a necessity. Don’t wear those low-rise jeans without them! (Low rise jeans? Those are things your parents call trashy, but look at the stuff they wore in the seventies—like they would know.)
• Know how to wear your hair. Mix it up—don’t wear your hair the same every day to school.
• Wear perfume. This is, of course, optional.
Basically, you have to give up yourself to find yourself. You have to fit in to stand out. Contrary to things parents teach, nice girls aren’t popular. Good girls aren’t cool. Confident people who don’t fit in engage our admiration on the outside of the circle.
Now, one thing you need to know is the Balancing Act. You show me “genuinely awesome people” who don’t do anything to increase their popularity and I’ll show you genuine fakes who aren’t tapping into their potential. You might think the following will be so contradictory. But look at all those successful, popular girls out there. That’s your goal. Be yourself.
• You need to find a way to talk to everybody. Everybody. Because you love people enough to do it just to look good.
• Find some friends, but make sure you spend a good amount of time kissing up to everyone else’s admiration. Just don’t kiss up to people, because that doesn’t look cool.
• Don’t judge other people by their looks like you want them to judge you. I mean, outside appearance so doesn’t matter.
• (But make sure you wear make-up.)
• Get involved in extracurricular activities that suit your interests…like making yourself look cool.
• Don’t act snobby or rude, but always have something good to say about yourself. Never say something negative about yourself, especially if it’s true. That’d defeat the whole purpose of being genuinely you—you’re perfect (with a little help from cute scarfs and Uggs).
• Keep up with the latest trends. You don’t want people to think you’re desperate for attention.
But remember, girlfriend: “Don’t be fake. People won’t like you or think you’re cool if you try to be popular.”* And that really would be awful, wouldn’t it?
*All tips and tricks lifted from wikiHow.com. Popularity is such a unique thing that there’s a one-way route to get there.