Unsocialized Homeschoolers' Gazette: How to Be a Cool Girl

7:30 AM

EDITOR’S daughter’s NOTE

Attention female unsocialized homeschoolers! Are you tired of wearing your burlap sacks and denim jumpers? Want to be more than wallflowers at the spelling bee or church picnic? Well, we’ve got a Big World secret to transform your innocence. No more will you stick out from the cool girls in youth group or get judged for frumpy grumpiness. All you have to do is give up your personality—for contrived originality.

“Yikes,” I hear you muttering. “No thanks, good-bye.”

Girlfriend, let me tell you something: real girls do this all the time. Look at the sayings plastered all over self-help books and motivational posters. Be yourself. That’s what we do. That’s what you want. And yourself isn’t anything like the yourself you think you want to be. That’s the key to unlocking popularity (which is the goal of being yourself, right?). It’s a big, serious, scary change for girls like you, so we’ll take you through some ground rules slow and easy.

Rules like these.

UNSOCIALIZED HOMESCHOOLERS’ GAZETTE—YOUR GUIDE TO THE WORLD AT LARGE


• Try to be happy. Other people will envy your life.
• Compete. Sports are especially cool. It’s a great way to make new friends, exercise and get noticed.
• Be up to date on pop culture. If you have time, consider watching one or two TV shows: Gossip Girl, The Secret Life of the American Teenager, Jersey Shore.
• Wear cool clothes. Big earrings. Hoodies (however, ruffled sweaters are acceptable). Big belts—they’re definitely a necessity. Don’t wear those low-rise jeans without them! (Low rise jeans? Those are things your parents call trashy, but look at the stuff they wore in the seventies—like they would know.)
• Know how to wear your hair. Mix it up—don’t wear your hair the same every day to school.
• Wear perfume. This is, of course, optional.

Basically, you have to give up yourself to find yourself. You have to fit in to stand out. Contrary to things parents teach, nice girls aren’t popular. Good girls aren’t cool. Confident people who don’t fit in engage our admiration on the outside of the circle.

Now, one thing you need to know is the Balancing Act. You show me “genuinely awesome people” who don’t do anything to increase their popularity and I’ll show you genuine fakes who aren’t tapping into their potential. You might think the following will be so contradictory. But look at all those successful, popular girls out there. That’s your goal. Be yourself.

• You need to find a way to talk to everybody. Everybody. Because you love people enough to do it just to look good.
• Find some friends, but make sure you spend a good amount of time kissing up to everyone else’s admiration. Just don’t kiss up to people, because that doesn’t look cool.
• Get fit because it’s insane to be comfortable with your body, but if you’re overweight or whatever—don’t worry about it. Just be comfortable with who you are.
• Don’t judge other people by their looks like you want them to judge you. I mean, outside appearance so doesn’t matter.
• (But make sure you wear make-up.)
• Get involved in extracurricular activities that suit your interests…like making yourself look cool.
• Don’t act snobby or rude, but always have something good to say about yourself. Never say something negative about yourself, especially if it’s true. That’d defeat the whole purpose of being genuinely you—you’re perfect (with a little help from cute scarfs and Uggs).
• Keep up with the latest trends. You don’t want people to think you’re desperate for attention.

But remember, girlfriend: “Don’t be fake. People won’t like you or think you’re cool if you try to be popular.”* And that really would be awful, wouldn’t it?

*All tips and tricks lifted from wikiHow.com. Popularity is such a unique thing that there’s a one-way route to get there.

You Might Also Like

14 impressions

  1. Oh my goodness. I thought you were joking about getting the tips from wikiHow, until I actually went there and looked.

    Complete craziness.

    I burst out laughing at the list of "the best" TV shows.

    ~Kristin

    ReplyDelete
  2. *picking jaw up from the floor*

    From my experience in the public school setting, that is not how popular girls act... except for the popular trends thing. Being nice to everyone, stuff like that, is beyond them. They seem to gain popularity by who they pick on. Of course, whoever created the wikiHow would want cool girls to look... well... cool. But the truth shall set them free...er... bind them.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Give up who you are to fit in, but always truly be yourself... yup, that's what they're telling us! No wonder so many young people are messed up.

    This post is great, by the way! Great job!

    God bless!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Love this post! I've always found it interesting that "cool people" (models, celebrities etc.) look, dress and act basically the same. We serve a creative God who loves diversity why do we all want to look exactly alike?

    I guess for me it has to do with craving the approval of others. I actually wrote a post about my struggle in that area and how I’ve been set free from the slavery of human approval. For anyone who is interested in reading it.... http://stayathomedaughter.com/?p=1917

    ReplyDelete
  5. "Get fit because it’s insane to be comfortable with your body, but if you’re overweight or whatever—don’t worry about it. Just be comfortable with who you are."

    Ha, ha, ha. Oh, our awful culture!

    Oh, and did you notice what the front of the magazine said? On the right side in the middle: The Perfect Kiss...followed by some fine print. Good grief. It looks like I'm doing myself a favor by not reading those magazines.

    Your Unsocialized Homeschooler's Gazettes are so funny. Thanks so much for the handy advice. I'm off to buy myself a curling iron, a bunch of belts*, and some Uggs. I'm gonna, like, be SO POPULAR!!

    *Uh-huh, belts ARE a necessity, because what ISN'T cool is with low rise jeans is...never mind.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I thought you were exaggerating, too, until I clicked wikiHow! I can't believe that.

    (Actually I am a child of the late 20th century and I definitely can.)

    Hilarious, Bailey! I continue to admire the wit and wisdom of the "Unsocialized Homeschooler's Gazette."

    ReplyDelete
  7. Good post, Bailey!

    So, on a slightly different note, do you have any *real* tips for girls who aren't very good in social settings? I mean, from a biblical stand-point (not trying to just be "popular"). I know you're friendly and "sociable." I'm naturally very closed-in and quiet. I'm scared to talk in big groups.
    Any little tips just to boost the GOOD kind of confidence (God-honoring), would be HUGELY appreciated, as this is something I struggle with all the time.

    Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Is it just me, or is there a headless guy in a striped t-shirt in that top pic? I've been counting arms. Something's wrong.

    Julia, I know...*gag*. I think I'll skip Kissing 101 and just trust my luck at the altar. And never fear: UHG will keep you up-to-date on all you're missing by not reading Seventeen magazine. Guaranteed.

    Anon, tell you what. I'll write a whole post for you, to be published on Friday. Stay tuned!

    ReplyDelete
  9. It's just you. The striped t-shirt belongs to the girl kissing her forearm (?), she just has her neck and arms at odd angles :o)

    I giggled when reading the eHow article. Everyone is beautiful and you should be beautiful on the inside. Just make sure you understand the best types of shoes and know how to wear your hair and get all these types of clothes. Be yourself-- and of course, pay attention to us when doing so. We know how you can be yourself so much better than you do.

    Worst of all: don't let people see you try to be popular, or you won't be popular. Never mind that this is active deception. After all, be yourself!

    If only the UHG featured advice columns. I might just write in :o)

    ~Madison

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm with Anon! Can't wait to read your post on Friday, Bailey!

    I'd say something to the effect of "this post was great, too" except that doesn't sound much like a thoughtful comment. I did very much enjoy it, just am having trouble thinking of what to say in this comment :)

    Love you :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh, Bailey! You're so kind. Thank you SO much. I am eagerly awaiting your special post. :)

    -Penn ["anon"]

    ReplyDelete
  12. They actually had that stuff on a site? :P

    I'm a fan of your paper, Miss editor.

    ReplyDelete
  13. This is my first introduction to UHG (I'm a new blog follower), and I've greatly enjoyed this post. In fact, I read all your articles under this tag. You've made me laugh out loud and reexamine some of life's issues. You right with candor and wit. I hope there will be many more UHG articles in the future. :) What is life if we (homeschoolers) can't laugh at ourselves!?

    ~RacheL

    ReplyDelete

Hit me with your best thought! I'm very interested in your unique perspective. If you'd like to discuss things in private, feel free to email me! :)