Unsocialized Homeschoolers' Gazette: Homecoming Explained7:30 AM
We feel the urgency to shine a special light on Homecoming Week, a confusing and frankly terrifying time for unsocialized homeschoolers. Unused to normality, many unsocialized homeschoolers act out on this confusion and terror by judging fellow students and sticking to prudery as way of ramming their weird beliefs down others’ throats. Therefore, as editor of UHG, I think it is appropriate that we explain the nature of Homecoming Week to unsocialized homeschoolers and give them yet another chance to enter into normal society.
With that in mind, we sent an intrepid band of unsocialized homeschoolers into the throes of public school life, with an AED tucked under their arms in case of emergency.
THE SPIRIT OF HOMECOMING
Understandably, most unsocialized homeschoolers do not get the underlying principle of Homecoming Week. They have no building to go back to, no memorable moments in high school they wish to relive, no teachers to catch up their life on, and very rarely any friends to say hello to. Homecoming is a daily occurence for them, to their detriment. In this state of deprivation, unsocialized homeschoolers misunderstand the spirit of homecoming—indeed, the very spirit that unites our schools and brings about socialized citizens for America.
In sum, homecoming is a time to honor the select few students who are respectful, kind and friendly or a last bid to get into the graces of the popular crowd. Going along with that, homecoming is also a time to embarrass friends and, most importantly, to humiliate the freshmen.
For example, whenever the word “freshmen” is used in a sentence, the moderator at the pep rally must find a particularly nasty thing to say that the seniors will laugh uproariously about. (Our group of unsocialized homeschoolers stared at each other in shock.) Whenever freshmen cheer, the other grades boo them down. (Our unsocialized homeschoolers almost stood and shouted back.) Whenever something must be said, it must involve a put-down to the freshmen, though occasional insults to the juniors and sophomores are also appropriate. Surprisingly, the seniors always win the contests, and again, this is an appropriate time to throw that back in the freshmen's faces. In this way, schools feed unity and encourage one another in team spirit.
Our test group was incensed.
“This is so wrong,” one fumed.
“I have two siblings who are freshmen—I know people in school who aren’t seniors,” a homeschooled senior ranted, “and thinking of these bullies booing them just makes me sick. This totally brings out the angry bear big sister.”
Their faces were set in disgust and anger throughout the entire pep rally—again a textbook case of homeschoolers unable to understand comaraderie and true socialization.
The initial reports of our group about the pep rally typified the unsocialized homeschooler response:
“Disturbing,” said one.
“Disgusting,” said another.
“Dirty,” said a third.
“Boring,” another threw in for good measure.
They referred, of course, to the choice of humor and entertainment at the pep rallies, a staple among all socialized teens today. The king of humor nowadays is dressing up the guys and letting them entertain the crowd with dirty dancing. Event after event involved guys in lipstick, guys in leotards, guys in bare chests and feather boas. Our tiny row of prudish, sheltered homeschoolers stared wide-eyed at each other, some shaking their heads sadly or laughing out of nervous embarrassment and shock. Homeschoolers had never learned that it’s appropriate to be inappropriate, probably from their abusive parents, who are nothing like the hooting, hollering support that erupted from behind the group.
“I’m all for fun,” a homeschooler tried to argue, “but this was so immature and trashy and boring.”
Sadly, this judgmental attitude prevails among most homeschoolers today and will continue on that trend.
As the reporter was working on this piece, she was surprised to learn that a local homeschool group put on group dancing, and fathers did not gun the young men down for asking their daughters to dance. Many girls expressed how much fun getting ready for the historical balls were, dressing up and going with friends for a night of sweat, sore feet and “socializing.”
Though UHG remains as objective as possible, we ask with no little incredulity why this group of people would then deny their children the healthy alternative to drunken partying during Homecoming Week: namely, the homecoming dance.
While this group has no qualms with the opposite sex holding hands in a group ball dance, they object to boys pressing girls close, leaning their cheek into the ladies’ hair, slow dancing to so-called trashy music.
“I felt sick,” one homeschooler noted. “I felt sick just watching. I wanted to get out.”
Emergency personnel treated the test group of unsocialized homeschoolers for severe nausea, headaches and psychological trauma. All barely survived yet may be in your community now, spreading misinformation about the lack of appropriateness during Homecoming Week.