Unsocialized Homeschoolers' Gazette: Homecoming Explained

7:30 AM


We feel the urgency to shine a special light on Homecoming Week, a confusing and frankly terrifying time for unsocialized homeschoolers. Unused to normality, many unsocialized homeschoolers act out on this confusion and terror by judging fellow students and sticking to prudery as way of ramming their weird beliefs down others’ throats. Therefore, as editor of UHG, I think it is appropriate that we explain the nature of Homecoming Week to unsocialized homeschoolers and give them yet another chance to enter into normal society.

With that in mind, we sent an intrepid band of unsocialized homeschoolers into the throes of public school life, with an AED tucked under their arms in case of emergency.



Understandably, most unsocialized homeschoolers do not get the underlying principle of Homecoming Week. They have no building to go back to, no memorable moments in high school they wish to relive, no teachers to catch up their life on, and very rarely any friends to say hello to. Homecoming is a daily occurence for them, to their detriment. In this state of deprivation, unsocialized homeschoolers misunderstand the spirit of homecoming—indeed, the very spirit that unites our schools and brings about socialized citizens for America.

In sum, homecoming is a time to honor the select few students who are respectful, kind and friendly or a last bid to get into the graces of the popular crowd. Going along with that, homecoming is also a time to embarrass friends and, most importantly, to humiliate the freshmen.

For example, whenever the word “freshmen” is used in a sentence, the moderator at the pep rally must find a particularly nasty thing to say that the seniors will laugh uproariously about. (Our group of unsocialized homeschoolers stared at each other in shock.) Whenever freshmen cheer, the other grades boo them down. (Our unsocialized homeschoolers almost stood and shouted back.) Whenever something must be said, it must involve a put-down to the freshmen, though occasional insults to the juniors and sophomores are also appropriate. Surprisingly, the seniors always win the contests, and again, this is an appropriate time to throw that back in the freshmen's faces. In this way, schools feed unity and encourage one another in team spirit.

Our test group was incensed.

“This is so wrong,” one fumed.

“I have two siblings who are freshmen—I know people in school who aren’t seniors,” a homeschooled senior ranted, “and thinking of these bullies booing them just makes me sick. This totally brings out the angry bear big sister.”

Their faces were set in disgust and anger throughout the entire pep rally—again a textbook case of homeschoolers unable to understand comaraderie and true socialization.


The initial reports of our group about the pep rally typified the unsocialized homeschooler response:

“Disturbing,” said one.

“Disgusting,” said another.

“Dirty,” said a third.

“Boring,” another threw in for good measure.

They referred, of course, to the choice of humor and entertainment at the pep rallies, a staple among all socialized teens today. The king of humor nowadays is dressing up the guys and letting them entertain the crowd with dirty dancing. Event after event involved guys in lipstick, guys in leotards, guys in bare chests and feather boas. Our tiny row of prudish, sheltered homeschoolers stared wide-eyed at each other, some shaking their heads sadly or laughing out of nervous embarrassment and shock. Homeschoolers had never learned that it’s appropriate to be inappropriate, probably from their abusive parents, who are nothing like the hooting, hollering support that erupted from behind the group.

“I’m all for fun,” a homeschooler tried to argue, “but this was so immature and trashy and boring.”

Sadly, this judgmental attitude prevails among most homeschoolers today and will continue on that trend.


As the reporter was working on this piece, she was surprised to learn that a local homeschool group put on group dancing, and fathers did not gun the young men down for asking their daughters to dance. Many girls expressed how much fun getting ready for the historical balls were, dressing up and going with friends for a night of sweat, sore feet and “socializing.”

Though UHG remains as objective as possible, we ask with no little incredulity why this group of people would then deny their children the healthy alternative to drunken partying during Homecoming Week: namely, the homecoming dance.

While this group has no qualms with the opposite sex holding hands in a group ball dance, they object to boys pressing girls close, leaning their cheek into the ladies’ hair, slow dancing to so-called trashy music.

“I felt sick,” one homeschooler noted. “I felt sick just watching. I wanted to get out.”

Emergency personnel treated the test group of unsocialized homeschoolers for severe nausea, headaches and psychological trauma. All barely survived yet may be in your community now, spreading misinformation about the lack of appropriateness during Homecoming Week.

Citizens, beware.

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18 impressions

  1. My pep rallies were nothing like that. At all. If seniors were that rude at our school, one of the teachers who had a very loud voice, would stand by the door and lecture at us for being rude. She was the study hall teacher and used to yelling at students.

    I don't know how that school's policy worked, but mine used a breathalyzer on random people throughout the dance. There was no drunken partying during homecoming week.

    Thanks for a subject I could comment on,


  2. This unsocialized homeschooler is staying far away from homecoming week! That ironic tone was hilarious, Bailey.

  3. Why is making fun of public school children acceptable on your blog? Is it any better than what you are accusing others of?

    If you don't like homeschoolers being called "unsocialized", I suggest you stop assuming that public school children all drink and do dirty dancing.

    WWJD? Would he have written such an article?

  4. I think I just drowned from laughter and an upset stomach.

  5. Teehee... proof that I'm both Canadian and Homeschooled: I had to look up what Homecoming is. Oops. :-D

    But seriously, so true. The schools are, over and over, icky. Disgusting, disturbing, and the rest of it too.


  6. Anonymous, I was waiting for this comment. ;o) Please understand the spirit of this series. Homeschoolers are often called "unsocialized" just because they're not in the school system. Public schooling = socialization. That equation, especially set in the disturbing experience I had with local public schools, is what I was repudiating. It was an idea, a toleration, not a set of people, of which I was making fun.

    If you've read my blog for a while, you know some of my best friends are public schooled, that I've worked in the public school and that I've repeated as a caveat that not all schools are the same. For that matter, not all homeschoolers are the nice little conservatives we'd like to think they are.

    Having said all that, the public schools in my immediate community all have serious issues (moreso than others) and I think it both unfair and ironic that this is permitted while homeschoolers are labeled unsocialized.

    I don't claim to know exactly what Jesus would say in the face of immorality and immaturity, but I don't think it'd be, "Stop picking on the poor public schooled kids." Why can't I call a spade a spade simply because I'm homeschooled?

  7. And another thing...this isn't the first time I've done UHG. Its purpose is just poking fun at how ignorant (literally!) homeschoolers can be of culture at large and how ridiculous modern culture is in the first place.

    So when I wrote this post, I wasn't thinking, "Gee, I wonder how I can bash public schoolers today"...I was merely trying to expose the selfish, immoral culture that would encourage this kind of behavior in our young people. I happened to find it in this particular public school.

    I am sorry if that did not come across clear enough and I offended you. It was not my intention.

    God bless.

  8. Dear Bailey,
    Thanks for enlightening me. I didn't know what homecoming was before this post. *gasp!* I was listening in bewilderment to people talking about doing such and such for homecoming, and I was thinking, "Um, homecoming? And that is...?" Your UHG has spared me from admitting my ignorance. =D
    (Poor, homeschooled me.)
    Sounds like homecoming is something I'm happy to have missed! Did you actually attend the event in person, or not? Just curious!
    Sorry for the lack of comments from me lately. =( I've wished to comment several times, but I am usually pretty pressed for time. Your post have, as usual, been wonderful!

  9. Julia! I've missed you. *HUGS*

    Yes, I did attend the pep rally in person (I was among the unsocialized homeschooled test group ;o)) but not the dance...that was from an unsocialized eyewitness report. All I know about homecoming is from that life-changing experience, my friends' tales and my mom's yearbook. She says pep rallies were nothing like this back in the day.

  10. To the editor of the UHG:
    Your recent article, "Homecoming Explained," is a blemish on your reputation. I read it this morning with growing horror. How could you, in good conscience, send a group of pure, helpless homeschoolers into that evil pit of destruction from which naught escapes? (I speak, of course, of that blight of society that I shudder to type: public school homecoming.)

    This shocking display of immorality and low standards has doubtlessly found its way into countless homes across America. I, for one, refuse to let reports of such vile behavior cross my cyber-doorstep. From now on, you may consider me unsubscribed from UHG.

    A Concerned Citizen

    But truly. This was hilarious. I'm waiting for the "Oversocialized Public-Schoolers' Gazette" in which a group of wary public-schoolers venture into a group of homeschoolers and report on their odd behavior. That will be the day.


  11. ROTFLOL!!! That's great. You've got your first post laid out for you. :D

  12. Oh, yes! I think I would love that "article".

  13. To Anonymous - If you read this as a mockery of public school kids, you're reading it and taking it the wrong way. This is a satirical post - filled with truth presented in a tongue and cheek fashion. Maybe some kids in school don't behave this way or think it's funny, but the vast majority do. It's how they are 'socialized'. And people are worried that I won't properly socialize our kids into the 'world'. To accuse Bailey of being no better than what goes on at a rally like that is ridiculous. And yes, I think Jesus WOULD have written such an article! This was truth laid out in black and white, revealing the immoral and shocking behavior that would have make our Saviour cringe. Jesus wasn't one to keep quiet about that which was wrong... and He sure worried a whole lot less about 'offending' people than we do today.
    Bailey - this was both hilarious and clever. Like the other Canadian, I had to figure out what Homecoming was... but we have similar things here - just go by a different name. (hug) Cassandra @ Unplug Your Family

  14. Is it ethical to comment on someone else' comment? I'd like to do so but I don't know if it's allowed.

  15. Sad but true ... at least as far as the general shape of things, if not the specifics of Homecoming at my SE Michigan high school (which was, as far as I can tell, far milder than most until a few years after I graduated). I would have spent the time allocated to pep rallies in the library instead if I could.

    But in the list of adjectives describing pep rallies, you missed one important one: "Loud." Those pointless events are almost certainly a contributing cause to any hearing loss I've sustained.

    And you missed one other part of the homecoming festivities: the homecoming parade. (Although perhaps it's the one that even an Unsocialized Homeschooler would be familiar with already ...) Between the further class rivalry centered on the floats (though at my high school the freshmen's float occasionally won the competition), the encouragement of gluttony among the young and even more impressionable (every vehicle in the parade, it seems, must throw candy), and, again, "the noise, noise, noise, noise, NOISE!" from fire engines, loudspeakers on the floats, motorcycles, cheerleaders, and crowds ... it's a wonder anyone survives public schools with sanity intact.

  16. Tuathal - Go for it.

    Jonathan - Since I've grown up in a family of eleven, hearing loss is so ingrained in my "culture" that I forgot to mention it. :P I did attend the homecoming parade, and it was pretty low-key...except for the emergency vehicles. I swear I almost had heart palpitations.

  17. YES! More "Unsocialized Homeschoolers' Gazette"! I've been waiting for another issue to further my personal knowledge of the outside world.

    I've got to say: LOL. And good points made, too. I love the way you can keep up a completely ironic and hilarious tone during a whole post like this, yet still convey serious and beneficial messages. Bravo!

  18. I'm home schooled, never been public schooled. I do think public schools are, strange, in many ways, but I'm not like Amish or something. Homeschooled kids go to dances, and dance with guys, listen to "trashy" music, and unfortunately, do all the other "wrong" things you spoke about. My dad wasn't thrilled about me going to a dance, but he let me! I don't believe I like this, because it's demeaning to public and homeschooled kids.


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