The Thought Smorgasbord2:00 AM
Don't Waste Your Insomnia
11:11 PM. If I look to my left, the moon shines almost as bright as the computer screen. Did you know that the rays of a three-fourths moon look like a cross? I didn't. I wouldn't, if I'd been fast asleep in bed, like normal people.
But I'm not. (Normal or asleep.)
I'm wide awake.
Since the early teens, I struggled with insomnia. Bad insomnia. It would string together several months of little sleep into this frustrating cord. I hated it, honestly. Bedtime was a fight for rest which I rarely won. Like all good Christians, I would cry out to God for help - and still stay wide awake.
It turns out that distractions fill my life...stress, work, relationships, pleasures...and priority time with God falls somewhere at the end of the revised edition of life's list. So He took to keeping me up late since I never could wake early. When I burned to tell somebody my heart's desire and everybody else was all asnooze, I had no choice but to turn everything completely over to God. If I couldn't sleep, at least I could be wide awake with good, intelligent company - which is more than being by myself would provide.
Insomnia still stinks. I wish I were sleeping right now, instead of wired forty minutes before midnight, but I view this time as something very, very precious - one-on-one time with Christ, soaking in His presence, reveling in His goodness, praising His Name even in my groggy sleep-deprivedness.
The Sweet Spot
Sharing a room with sisters knows no equal. If everybody's in Hyper Mode, we stay up giggling until Daddy comes and ends the fun. At 7:47 Sunday morning, we mumble last night's dreams through piles of sheets or croak out, "I don't know what to wear today." I love it.
Except when you need a good cry. Girls seem to need those quite often. I wish they didn't, especially not girls who share rooms with three other girls expert in blackmail.
In any case, I was caught between the world's weirdest weekend (you girls would kill to know what went on that weekend but I will not say) and another one of those wake up at 8 AM school weeks. The Monday library run. Schedules. Essays. Practice SATs. And all I wanted to do was curl up and sob. I just felt pathetic, like normal.
I crawled into bed and stuffed my tears under my Scottie dog pillow. (I hope Bethany didn't hear that tell-tale squeak that somehow escaped. I sound like a regular one-man band when crying.) Advice for emotional females runs along the "have a good cry, let it all out" lines, which I was planning on following, when the irony of life beat the tidal wave to the beach, so to speak. In a moment I felt the specialness of being one with my Abba, a good night kiss to end the day and start the insomnia. We'd had a precious moment of more tears and communion in the windblown orchard earlier, and even though I felt crummy, knowing He held all my broken pieces together made me smile.
And then I thought of this next thing:
Gents, Pay Attention
God is the ultimate gentleman. He opens doors, He carries burdens and He would sacrifice anything for His women. I like to think of this Divine Gentleman caring specifically for me...not out of cultural duty but familial love.
I love God.
To think I ran from Him all these years, hiding in legalism and do-goodism and overachievement. To think I missed out on drinking of His grace, His holiness, His love. To think that I, the chief of sinners, can stand perfect, justified, in His sight...of all people! Me. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I could come to this place of intimate reverence, bound up in Christ, surrendered and surrendering daily.
Excuse me while I wring the rest of the joy out of tonight's insomnia.
Things I'm thinking on :: What if Love... by Jasmine Baucham :: Prince Charming Can Wait by Bethany, who nails one of the trickiest subjects in one power-packed punch :: Hannah Farver, a kindred spirit