Unsocialized Homeschoolers' Gazette: Socialization Report

3:37 PM


As the weather melts down to sunny skies and green grass, the amount of students let loose upon the public scene increases. It is at this particular time that UHG issues a cautionary warning to all unsocialized homeschoolers: be safe, stay home. If, as even the most unsocialized homeschoolers are apt to do, one happens to find himself lost in the wide-wide world of SOCIALIZATION, be comforted in the fact that the new daytime curfew will no doubt send a truant officer your way. Keep your IDs handy.

With that in mind, we dedicate this issue of UHG to the state of socialization, utilizing the eyewitness reports and opinions of real, unsocialized homeschoolers such as yourself.



Criminal behavior

WWII Propaganda- Nazi Germany
Photo Credit
IN A TOWN NEAR YOU -- The recent passing of a daytime curfew with stiff fines has left many homeschoolers angry and confused. Many homeschoolers admit to having increased attack of paranoia while walking down the city streets.

"I just don't feel safe anymore," one homeschooler (name withheld to protect the innocent) told UHG. "All I'm doing is checking out books at the library at 10 AM and I feel like I have to act like I'm twenty-one to avoid arrest."

Others express a curiosity as to what a truant officer is. In which case, homeschooling mothers across the country are sitting their children down and breaking to them the cold facts of life: some children do not like school. Depression has been on the increase in homeschooling circles as a result. 

Friday night date night

IN A TOWN NEAR YOU -- Speaking of new laws, irate drivers are beginning to circulate a petition banning in-car dating. The petition started after an eventful (and slow) drive to the local Little Caesar's. Spokesperson Fud E. Duddy described her shocking ride:

"I was responsibly driving with my three sisters to pick up Tangled and three hot-'n'-ready pizzas. Life was pleasant, as Fridays usually are. But our whole Friday was upset with a ridiculously long red light in which traffic was jammed both ways." (Editor's note: As you might have guessed, Duddy is an unsocialized homeschooler and thus tends to exaggerate traffic conditions, knowing nothing but good ol' small city driving.) "Well, there's really nothing one can do while waiting at a ridiculously long red light except stare at people and wonder what they're texting.

"It so happens that the car we were stuck behind contained a giddy young couple engrossed in their love life and not paying any attention that the light had finally turned green. Waiting the extra five seconds while they finished their passionate prose - or whatever in-car dating involves - pushed all my buttons the wrong way. They were a driving hazard all the way to Little Caesar's. Literally. Hardly paying attention. Looking at each other. Not looking at the traffic and lights. And just when we thought we were rid of love, who should populate the waiting room at Little Caesar's? More young couples in love. And they were at Walmart too. And everywhere. It was a public safety hazard."

As a result of her experiences, Duddy began the petition to ban dating during driving (DDD). She is calling upon all concerned citizens and safe drivers to expose and disband this distracting habit and thus make this world a better place to drive. To sign your name, drive to the nearest Little Caesar's and look for the blue plastic tables and "STOP DDD NOW!!!!" signs.


Chivalry redefined

IN A TOWN NEAR YOU -- While many express outrage over the scurrilous practice of DDD, other, more tenderhearted citizens quietly watch the decline of chivalry in their town. The plight of one innocent lady has been little known and circulated until now. Due to her age and tenderness, her name was not released, but her tale deserves national recognition.

At a local Citgo gas station, a reputable establishment often inhabited by high schoolers next door, this young lady was buying Sun Drop and Seven-Up for her thirsty siblings. Since she had many siblings and only two hands, her arms were rather full as she valiantly made her way to the door - alone. Thankfully, because she had lived with babies her entire life and knew how to handle doors and doorknobs with a baby on her hip, she got the door open.

And she stood there, arms full, the door open, as America's finest teenage gentlemen pushed past without so much as a thank you or a hesitation.

The injured lady already has plans for turning the harrowing encounter into a bestselling book. "It's just a part of the grieving process," she says. "But the children liked their soda."

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9 impressions

  1. I completely agree with you. Perhaps they should start a ban on UPS drivers drinking McDonalds soda while driving. That was nearly another victim to the ditch.

    (I'm dying of laughter)

  2. You forgot to mention that homeschoolers really need to learn the difference between an "ad box" and the "real movie".

  3. These UHG's are too funny! Keep em up!
    ~a fellow UH =)

  4. *recovers from laughing* Oh Bayleaf! :) I love your UHG! You're awesome...

    I shall sign the petition against DDD! :) If I could that is!


  5. HHHHaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Wow!

  6. This is the best one yet. Unfortunately, I perished from amusement, so I won't be able to see if any of the others are better.

    You are so witty, Lee!

  7. Dear Editor,
    I have been a victim of such accusations. With the popular trend of "ditching school", everybody who looks slightly under the age of 18 is looked at with odd looks, and cocked heads. Some bystanders are brave enough to approach the UH.
    "Uhh....aren't you supposed to be in school, kid?"
    "I'm homeschooled."
    *Insert cocked head*
    "You mean you don't go to the local high school?"
    *Insert quick nod and hasty walk*
    An Unsocialized Homeschooler

  8. Hahahahaha! Ahh.........Bailey. :D

  9. L-O-L!!! Loved it! :D


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