True Love

7:30 AM

“Father,” I told my Lord God one day, “for so long—and so unfaithfully—I’ve prayed about my future husband’s perfection. I’d beg You, ‘Please let him love this’ or ‘Father, don’t make him like this guy.’ With a perfect husband, I thought I was safe from divorce and unhappiness. But I forgot another important aspect of marrage: the wife. Me.”

And to be honest, the minute anything involves me, I start trembling. I blow it at the gates.

When I prayed for an almost-perfect husband, whose sins could be laughed off or assuaged by my undenying charm [insert sweet smile and brushing of lashes against soft cheek], I was, in effect, praying for a safe marriage. I had built so much of my future worth on my husband that I knew the minute we had the most minor spat, my world would crumble. The drama queen, in all her crushed emotion, would enter center stage and soliloquize to an empty audience about how life was doomed and love gone forever. Exeunt stage left.

That fairy tale prince worked at the beginning of my excursions in life and love. I was confused at first how someone I could love so much could hurt me so much. I was upset that the one I depended on so heavily could make mistakes. I was terrified to discover that I was not the center of everyone’s universe and that they could not satisfy my deepest needs. And I found out, very quickly, through those sobs that seem to come out of nowhere, “You know what, girl? You are very needy.”

So I continued praying: “What I want—most dearly, most longingly—is to love and be loved by You. I want all my hopes, my dreams, my goals wrapped up so tightly in Your unchanging nature that I will never break—and can be a bulwark for my husband should he ever enter my life. I want to find perfection in You, not me. Right now I am too independent of You and too dependent on others to be a good wife.”

I thought a bit before admitting this. But I did. “So I want to ask You a strange request—from a daughter to her daddy. You hold my heart and happiness in your hands—Father, guard it. And do not send me a husband until I am totally in love with You. Let my focus be on You—my love, my joy, my life, wrapped up in Your embrace. Keep me insensible to human love until I have drunk so deeply of Yours that I have no need of human love. Win my heart back—send Your Spirit—let this be the day I find You.”

Amen.

POSTSCRIPT. Yes, I am only sixteen. You may laugh.

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11 impressions

  1. I don't think that's how God wants you to live. [Personal opinion] I tend to think the more we love God, the more we must love his creations.

    Once having drunk at the well, to have more well up one must give it away. His love cannot fully fill, until we are able to fully give.

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  2. I found your blog through Raising Homemakers, and I must admit to really liking it... I shall certainly be checking back to read more!

    What you said in this post is so true. It is something I have realised about myself too – I fall into that exact same error myself – relying upon my future husband to be a good wife.

    I won't laugh... After all, I am only 17 myself (and I admit to similar thoughts myself – a year or so ago!)

    Blessings in Christ,
    Anna

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  3. I know that praying that we'll have perfect husbands someday so we won't need to be perfect ourselves. It's hard to get over, get through! In your post, at least, you seem to have done it beautifully. =)

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  4. I think that is a beautiful prayer/request, Bailey. May we all be so wise as to see that we need to focus on Jesus and His love first and foremost in our lives.

    (And I certainly wouldn't laugh at you being sixteen and writing this. I wish I had devoted my thoughts and prayers to such things then. I am trying to do better about doing it now though). :) *hugs*

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  5. Tragedy101 - You're right, but that's not really what I was referring to in the post. I was talking about receiving human love, not giving it, and letting that human love supplant God's love as our mainstay. If we truly love God, we can love others even when no one else loves us.

    Which does not, I think, negate the power of human love, which is good and necessary except in extreme situations (e.g. the prophets like Elijah and Jeremiah). Perhaps I worded that last bit too strongly.

    I hope that makes sense, because I am running on one hour of sleep and thus have problems with logic.

    Anna - welcome and thank you for your sweet words!

    N/A - thanks, sister, but this is just the talk. The walk's a lot less beautiful. Believe me. =)

    Erin - You're such a beautiful spirit. I love you lots. *HUGS*

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  6. I feel like I pick on you all the time, Tragedy101. I'm sorry. I don't mean to. *wry smile that colons and paranthetical marks cannot express adequately*

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  7. Okay...

    Let's start with this:

    Amazing post - so true. :) I also noted (and remembered) that we vowed never to marry a farmer. Or someone who likes football. *winks* (Perhaps Mr. Collins has a brother).

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  8. I'm not laughing Bailey! I believe that I agree with you, and have even prayed a prayer like that myself. (And as you know I'm still only 14!)

    I love you and am so glad you're my friend. I had a great time with you yesterday and the day before. :)

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  9. Hi Bailey, I read a post one time of how big a fan you were of Jasmine writer of the book Joyfully at Home. I'm not sure if you knew this or not but she has 2 blogs that she is writing in. Follow this link and it will take you to her profile where it will show both of her blogs.

    http://www.blogger.com/profile/14410555887756795334

    Blessings!

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  10. Hi Bailey,

    I recently came across your blog and have greatly enjoyed reading your writings. Yesterday, I read the article you had written “Great Expectations” which was posted on raisinghomemakers.com. It is a wonderfully written article, and the content was great. I found it very encouraging.

    I publish a free newsletter for Christian young ladies, bimonthly, and I was wondering if you would allow me to publish your article in the upcoming issue of this newsletter. (Previous issues of the newsletter can be viewed in my blog here: http://proverbs31ten.wordpress.com/newsletter/previous-issues/) Of course, I would give you credit as author. The theme of this issue of the upcoming newsletter is “Helping in our Homes” and I thought your article went perfectly along these lines.

    I appreciate you considering my request and look forward to hearing your answer. If you would prefer to reply by e-mail, you can do so at amy.faraboverubies@gmail.com. Thanks so much!

    Blessings,
    Amy

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  11. No laughing here. If more 16 year olds looked at life through this lens, this world would be a far different (and much better) place!

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