Tips and Tricks: Things You Learn on a Campaign

7:30 AM

Tired of the phone calls? Sick of the literature on your door handle? Check out these nifty hints to survive next November 2nd.

Outsmart the Campaign Masterminds

- Build a house with a super-de-duper long driveway. There's absolutely no way we're going to walk all the way down there to talk to you in person. Next!

- Be happy for Packers football. No sane campaigner calls or door knocks during the game. We value our lives.

- Everyone knows that the mark of a telemarketer is the mispronouncing of names. Plan ahead for your children. Give them impossibly hard-to-pronounce first names that will send the phone banker scurrying for the answering machine. And by the way, ladies, if you're single, marry into a weird Wisconsin name too. That makes it easier to click! when the phone banker stumbles all over the nonexistant vowels.

- Don't be mean to the phone bankers. You'll only be fodder for the next conversation -- and the joke will be on you. Be like a teenage prank caller. Get a goofy, totally fake Polish old-guy voice and say things like, "Oh, I'm [enter opposing candidate's name] brother" or maybe, "Are you a recording? [raucous male teenage laughter in background] Because I don't like recordings. Why don't you leave a message?" Fake accents freak phone bankers out and you get to laugh at their naive, "Well, thank you for your time, sir" afterwards.

- Get caller ID. We don't want to talk to you either.

- Don't ask to be taken off the list. Phone bankers can't do that. Ask to be listed as deceased. That will take you off the list and that we can do.

- Make the phone banker laugh. Not only will it prevent the phone banker from being able to give her spiel, but it will also cause the two other phone bankers next to her to start laughing and stop calling -- and that will help save other poor souls.

- Put yard signs out front. You'll get an automatic pass by lit droppers.

And for the Campaigners...

A little trick to help determine whether or not a Democrat or a Republican lives at a house: Check out the Halloween decorations. Nine times out of ten, Democrats have gaudy, gory and genuinely tasteless decorations out front. Republicans are more tasteful in their scariness.
P.S. Understand now that many times, Democrats are nicer on the phone than Republicans. Seriously.

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5 impressions

  1. lol, Bailey, that's very nice!!!

    I'm glad you enjoyed your trip! You'll HAVE to tell me everything today!

  2. *laughs* Your post literally made me snort. How could you make me be so unladylike?! :D I love the fake accent thing and asking if it's a recording. :)

    Thanks for the laugh!

  3. HEHEHE. I was a phone banker, I empathize. =D
    Especially with that bit about 'deceased'. And 'Thank you for your time, sir!'

    [-not the Bethany above :) ]


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