Delusions of Grandeur

10:56 AM

Five days into blogging, I have a confession to make: I hate it.

NOTE: Once you've properly recovered, please do read on.

"Why?" you might press. "You seem to be on it every three hours. You sprinkle all these smileys everywhere. You have an amazing crew of followers. You even get more than two comments per post. What's your problem, girl?"

One word: envy. I'm green with it. I'm envious of THE BAILEY I created in my mind. I'm envious of her, because I'm not like her. I'm not half as wonderful as she is. I can't write like her. I can't gather interest like she can. I just don't measure up to her.

THE BAILEY I wanted to be has 1,527 followers. Radio talk shows call her up and interview her on deep, theological problems. Anonymous commenters ask her advice. People the world over know that BAILEY is the spokesperson of Christian young womanhood. And the Christian youth of America unanimously votes her Best Blogger of the Century.

Never mind that Blogger hasn't been around for a century.

They say to shoot for the moon - if you fall short, you'll still land in the stars. I aim way higher than that - more like out-of-this-world. My goals - no, my expectations - loom high and unattainable over my head. If I miss the mark, even by a thumbnail, I plunge myself into deepest gloom. No matter how ridiculous, how improbable, how far-fetched and egotistic it sounds, I count on myself ending up greater than I really am. I'm a slave to my passions. So when I fall - when I scream over a blogpost that takes three hours to write or pull out hair over submitting an article to LAF - I land crashing down to earth. It hurts to fall several billions of miles. It hurts to blow one's ego.

It really hurts. And as I lay low and frustrated, I realized how extremely riddled with delusion my thinking was. Only I would expect to be known the world over her fifth day of blogging. How absurd is that? Pretty absurd - indeed, you don't get much more absurd than that. Who was I? Nobody. Nothing. Uneloquent, unwitty, unpretty - and as the adjectives marched on in long strings and tramped down bunny trails of my personality that had nothing to do with blogging, I lost all joy completely.

When I had reached the conclusion of my inadequateness and quit railing enough to sit quietly in a ball and pout, the Lord touched my soul. He knew, long before I did, that I was plotting in my own strength - that I had enslaved myself to my impossible expectations - that before long, I would crawl back dejected and utterly unable to account for it. And when He softened my poutiness and made me look to His Word, I realized that He never expected me to be great. He never called me to achieve goddesshood. He never called me because of my talents, in my first place. He called me in order to justify and sanctify me - for His glory. He called me because He would work through me - for His glory. He called me because He knew that's where my happiness would best lie - in His glory. While chastening me to get off my high horse and accept my limits, He was gentle and brought out the comfort in resting in His glory alone - the only glory that does not puff up or blind or overachieve.

Who am I? Just a servant of Christ, reminded once again to transfer all delusions of grandeur to the One in whom exists all glory, honor and power. There's nothing higher than that.

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10 impressions

  1. Wow, simply amazing. You sure know how to put words on a page.

    Oh, and I don't think people have 1,527 followers in less than a week. :-)
    Love, Katie

  2. Awww Bayleaf,

    You are a wonderful young lady, and shouldn't be feeling so glum, cheer up! He, always comforts us in time of need.



  3. It doesn't matter if you are not worldwide known - at least your my sister!

    Lots of *hugs*


  4. Aw, Katie, really? Not even 1,526 followers?

    After all these sweet comments, Pip, I'm as happy as a clam. Love you, dear!

    Floppeth - you're the bestest.

  5. Wonderful attitude, Bailey! "for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure." (Philippians 2:13)

  6. Thanks, Mama. :) Of course, while it's not in the Bible, per se, it's equally true that God uses wise mothers to work in their silly daughters.

  7. Oh, so that's how you spell per se! Cool. I've heard it before, but never seen it spelled.
    Do you really think you're silly? Goodness. How could a silly person write so...wonderfully.
    Oh, I had an idea. It's kinda funny. I don't know if you'd wanna do it, but, Bailey, you know tons of words I've never heard of before. So I just had this idea-yeah, my light bulb's not as dim as everyone thinks:-)-all of a sudden. Right now. So I have to say it before I forget. How 'bout you have a word for the day? Come on, doesn't anybody think so? I bet we'd all be a lot smarter by the time a year has gone by.(Er, well, at least me)
    So...that's all.

  8. Well, to botch Miss Prism's quotation, "The silly parts are silly and the wonderful parts are wonderful."

    :O Do you know, KT, that a Word of the Day has been one of my dreams for a blog? Great minds think alike, I always say.


  9. Bailey,
    I really liked how you approached this blog story. Why? Because you spoke on a personal level; sharing what was in your heart and what you were experiencing. This is sometimes the most effective way to touch or encourage other people's lives- your personal encounters. You will know how to relate to other's problems when you have gone through them yourself. I think this is another way how God uses our downfalls in life for His good!
    And by the way, you are an amazing person who does not waist your youth. Whatever God wants in each person's life is the best and most noble accomplishment a person could ever do ( I need to embrace this too!)Great blog post. Love, Stay

  10. You're so right, Stacy. Your comment really encouraged me today. :o)

    "You will know how to relate to other's problems when you have gone through them yourself. I think this is another way how God uses our downfalls in life for His good!" Amen.

    Love you!


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